I’m not ok.
It’s taken me a while to admit that. One of my go-to phrases is “I’m always ok.” But right now? It’s not true. My mental health has hit rock bottom this year.
My last workplace was really toxic for my stress and emotions. I learned this year that I have ADHD, so I’ve had to learn how to cope with my non-neuro-typical brain. I have a few unresolved traumas that continue to affect me more than I realized. And then, I lost my job.
My identity is frequently wrapped up in what I do for work, so getting fired and having to figure out who I am outside of a job is... well... not fun. I’m 32, and I have none of the things I’ve busted my ass for since 2005. I have no career, no partner, no family, no home. I live halfway across the country from family and close friends. This year has felt like one big ass failure.
I’m not sharing this for pity likes or sympathy comments. It’s been on my mind for a while, and well, #MentalHealthAwareness Day seemed like the perfect time to share it.
CW: The day my friend @wole took this picture of me, I was suicidal. I’ve been in that space a few times before in my life, but this was the worst it’s ever been. My depression and general disappointment in life and myself has made living seem pretty pointless. I’m tired of working so hard for things that don’t last. Life is exhausting me, and honestly, I’m not sure how I’ll get better. But I’ve never been a quitter, and I’m not about to start now.
All I can do is take care of myself and rely on my incredible family and friends (and kitten cuddles). I tell people all the time that it’s ok to not be ok. But I need to learn that for myself — and I’m finally admitting it.
I am not ok. And that’s ok.
